I had one of those days yesterday, as a parent of young children, when you think you’re bigger and badder than you really are…and, you think it’s a good idea to drag your two kids to 4 hours of errands.
During the holiday season.
We’ve got a vacation to Miami coming up this week and my shoulder surgery a couple days after we get home, so there’s some things I want to make sure are done as early this week as possible.
Including trips to places like Target (a parent’s nightmare), Home Depot (next up on the nightmare list), and TJ Maxx (the all time mother of nightmares).
So, why I…now a mother of 4 children…so, this isn’t exactly my first rodeo…thought it would be “fun”…and, that’s actually what came out of my mouth to myself…out loud…to take the kids to these places is beyond me.
I don’t even think that makes sense. Bloth iterally, and figuratively.
I save Home Depot until the end, even though we just hit up TJ Maxx and landed a new all-time low of nightmares which I can’t go into details about given the slight chance that Ben will actually read this and start questioning my parenting abilities.
Sure enough, I’m slow as all hell making my way through the aisles: we went for extension cords and now I’m knee deep into trying to decode the options offered in way of landscape spotlights and the pros and cons of solar versus low voltage power sources.
The kids are right next to me.
Until the weren’t any longer.
And, I turn around to find both of them on the top of the specifically labeled “EMPLOYEES ONLY” ladder that climbs what is likely something like 20 feet in the air.
Yeah, that was a scene.
Naturally, I go back to what was distracting me in the first place, thinking that’s the right thing to do. And, to my irresponsible surprise, I’m kindly interrupted by an employee telling me that my children have taken all of the pamphlets off of his display, loaded them in the buckets they found, and won’t give them back.
He really was incredibly nice and patient about the whole thing, but now I’m apologizing like a horrified mother who is, at this point in the day, now questioning her own parenting abilities and wondering if I’m to be trusted in this role at all.
Right smack in the middle of all of this, I get a phone call from Maya. For the most part, I have a personal policy of always answering my phone from immediate family members…and, my parents…in the rare case that there’s an emergency of some sort and I’m needed immediately.
Which is exactly what Maya tells me straight away is what’s going on: a “total emergency”.
“Mom, no I’ve actually been doing that thing that you and Ben call ‘peeing out your butt’. WHAT DO I DO?”
I come up with my best answer, “Oh shoot. I don’t know! Go eat some bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast?”
“What about bacon? Is that ok?”
“NO, MAYA. IT IS NOT OK TO EAT BACON WHEN YOU’RE PEEING OUT YOUR BUTTHOLE.”
Now she’s hysterically laughing and speaking to me in her fake English accent and I’m no longer feeling the genuine sense of urgency that I originally felt when she said she has a “total emergency”. But, what’s still happening is I’m still dealing with this poor man and his pamphlets and the kids bolting all over the place with their buckets.
And, I’m talking on my cell phone.
“MAYA, I DON’T KNOW. GO GOOGLE IT: PEEING OUT MY BUTT. I HAVE TO GO!!!”
And, that was that.
When I asked her later if she would be ok with me writing all of this on my blog, she said, “Do you need a picture? Because I have pictures.”
Lucky for you, I decided to make the rare exception of breaking my “no-filter rule” and I’m filtering the diarrhea photos in the hopes that I will actually retain a small percentage of readers after I post this on this site.