My intention today, on my 43rd birthday, is to make use of my rapidly disappearing memory to try to dig up all of the moments, the people, the events, the good and the bad…that have delivered me to this place in my life. I know I have an endless number of things I need to work on, a tremendous amount of evolving left, and a lifetime left of trying to figure out what I don’t even know I don’t know.
But, I really do love the place I am in right now, and the direction I feel like I am heading in. I couldn’t have confidently said that twenty years ago, or even 10 years ago. Which actually makes me even that much more excited about where my mindset could be in 10 moreyears.
I think it’s important to take some often uncomfortable time to hunt around in your soul for all of those things that make up the person you have become.
My parents who devoted much of their lives to raising me the best way they knew how to, and to this day, I’m sure, continue to lose sleep over my safety and well-being. My brother who has never really understood me, but continues to reach out to me every Sunday. My high school friends who completely influenced me in what it means to be a real friend who doesn’t leave you alone and drunk, or doesn’t give up on you when you have an eating disorder, or can grind it out on the competition cheerleading floor but also laugh until you’re peeing in your bloomers, too. My ex-boyfriends and ex-husband who taught me what I want out of a relationship, and don’twant, and what menwant and don’t want, and that just when you are about to give up on believing in love, the universe will send you in the exact direction that you belong.
And, my friends. All of them. The mom friends. The got me through traumatic times friends. The friends that are different enough from me that I need to remember to keep a safe distance from, but simultaneously important enough to me that I don’t want to lose them. The summertime friends. The mid-week emergency wine friends. The text only friends. The we go deep every conversation friends. The friends that want to learn from me, and the friends that I learn so much from I feel like I should pay them a fee.
I guess I like to use this day to remind my heart of who I really am: a product of all of this. My memory may be failing me more and more every year, but the legacy of these people and events are continuing to gain meaning and significance. And, for this reason, I truly do lovemy birth day.