I’ve never wanted to be the sort of person that acts like she’s giddy and happy and positive and carefree 100% of every day of the year. Sometimes I think it probably seems like I’m pretending to be that person, but it’s not an act. I really am that happy and that grateful almost all of the time.
While I can still find tons of things to be grateful for today, I can’t pretend like it’s been a 100% happy day over here. It started off that way, but it’s funny how quickly a smile can turn into an empty face, then into a very discouraged frown…and, finally into a puddle of tears.
I had the greatest morning, like I have been every day since Ben helped coach me into being a punctual, responsible adult human being: started a fire for the kids to wake up out of their nighttime haze to, the kids had a good healthy breakfast, I had my cozy little mug of coffee, we danced to Kelly Clarkson and some new reggae song that I can’t get enough of, and I got the kids to the forest right on time. Then, I got to go home and put on a real outfit, do my hair and makeup, wear jewelry, and meet some of my best friends for coffee.
So much smiling, so much laughing, and so much love flowing around our little circle table.
And, then I went to my MRI follow-up appointment with Sean Rockett. We basically came to the conclusion I had to have surgery on my shoulder that will have me out of commission for a week, in a sling for 4 weeks, not picking the kids up for 4 months, and not using my shoulder for 6-8 months. My formerly partial rotator cuff tear has progressed into a large full-thickness tendon tear with retraction, and some arthritis.
It’s not so bad that I can’t use it without a lot of pain, but it’s bad enough that if it gets worse it may not be able to repaired…ever. Even if I modified things for the rest of my life, it could still get to that point. So, I would basically either have to entirely stop doing CrossFit or any other sport involving my shoulder…or, get surgery to repair it so it’s better than it is now.
I don’t really feel like there’s any question about what I should do. I don’t want to stop doing CrossFit, or sports involving my shoulder. I love exercising too much to just stop like that. And, I don’t want to risk it getting so bad that I can’t use it at all.
So, my heart is broken.
I’ll be fine. I’ll stop crying so much. I’ll start realizing how lucky I am to have such a great team supporting me. I’ll get a plan together on how our family can make this work. I’ll figure out what to do for exercise for all of that time without injuring some other part of my body.
I don’t want to talk about it at all. Really. I just want to pretend that it’s not really happening.
I will accept all of this.
I just needed to come clean after posting my #livingthedream picture this morning of all of my friends being all happy together, and then coming home and being so devastated and depressed.
So that maybe tomorrow I can just go back to being giddy and happy and positive and carefree.