Well, today is a new day.
My eyes are, literally, puffy from my numerous breakdowns yesterday…and, I am incredibly unstable. But, the rain has stopped, the sun has come out, and I’ve had a fair amount of time to myself today to talk to some good friends…as well as some time to put my headphones on and walk around strangers in public to start trying to process all of this like a normal human being.
What I keep coming back to in my head is this: of all the things that could “go wrong”, this is nothing.
My family and friends are safe and healthy. Really, that’s without question the most important thing in the entire world. And, that right there is something that a lot of people can’t say for themselves. So, anything beyond that is small and minor. Right?
I’m actually a little embarrassed at how dramatic I’m being about the whole thing. I apologize to anyone out there reading this thinking, “Get over yourself, please.” You’re totally right. I am acting like this is a far bigger problem than it really is.
In all honesty, it’s not the exercise piece of it that’s overwhelming me right now. What’s causing me the most anxiety right now is the anticipation of how it’s even all going to work out for our family, especially for the week to 4 months or so following the surgery.
What is that first week going to be like when I’m “out of commission” like my doctor said I would be?
How hard is it going to be to keep the kids from doing any sort of damage to my shoulder?
Will they even understand what’s going on and why things are going to change so much?
How hard will it be to get them in and out of their car seats?
What’s driving with only my left arm going to be like?
How hard is it going to be that I’m a righty and it’s my right shoulder that I’m getting fixed?
What if someone gets hurt while I’m home alone and I need help to help them?
Who is going to be able to help me and how much help will I even need?
How will I shower, and get dressed, and do my hair, and stay reasonably warm outside during the winter?
How will I be able to get the kids dressed and undressed for their Forest Gnomes program? How will I zipper their coats?
What if they fall asleep in the car on the way to Maya or Jonah’s games? Do I just turn around and go home?
That’s enough. That list could go on forever, but who wants to deal with that, right?
I will say that the best advice I’ve gotten so far was from Maya last night.
When her and Jonah walked in the door from their school day, I was putting a coat away in the front hallway. I saw them walking up the stairs, but they didn’t say anything while I had my back turned and was facing the closet. I actually thought they had walked by and were in the kitchen or living room. But, when I turned around, they were both standing there quietly and just pulled me in to the biggest, most genuine hug I’ve had in a long time. They just held me, rubbed my back, and kept telling me it was going to be ok while I stood there and cried in between the two of them.
At one point, I stepped back and just said, “I just don’t even know how this is all going to work. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to take care of all of you for 4 months when I can even pick anything up.”
Maya said sternly, “Mom, one day at a time. Don’t think about those 4 months. Think about one…day…at…a…time. That’s it. Think about how you’ll deal with the day you get home from the hospital, and that’s it. Don’t even think about day 2.
When she put it that way, it didn’t sound that bad. Because I know that Ben will bring me home from the hospital, someone will probably help juggle the kids that day, I’ll probably sleep a lot, and will likely watch what we know as my “surgery show”, Fixer Upper.
And, there it is. Day 1 is, basically, in the books.
Until then, there will be a lot of latin music playing over here at 6am. Lots of Starbucks post-workout. Far more sushi than I should probably be eating. And, lots of training movements that (a) won’t put my shoulder at any more risk, but (b) I won’t be able to do post-surgery (ie. front squats, running, double-unders, etc.)…just to tide me over until I can start sweating again 2 weeks after the knife 🙂