Sometimes I actually wish there was a camera crew following me around because of the ridiculous stuff that happens around me. I know I write about a lot of it, but this morning was something else.
I slept in until about 7 am because we went to The Capital Grille for dinner last night with some friends and got home late. Then, I woke up with a terrible pain in my trap/shoulder and couldn’t turn my neck. So, for a lot of unimpressive reasons, I was feeling super lazy and unmotivated to get out of bed.
I woke up, though, to a beeping sound coming down our road…and, it started to dawn on me that the only day of the week that ever happens is on Tuesdays right at 7 am because those are our garbage collection days.
That was the moment I, literally, shot up out of bed like a crazy person because I remembered that I blew off putting the garbage out last night like I usually do to make sure I don’t miss the collection.
In my pajama pants and my plain white t-shirt that I sleep in, with no bra on of course, I go flailing out of our front door waving to the garbage truck driver like a crazy person begging him to wait for me to roll the trash barrel out because I know exactly what the inside of our barrel will look like after an extra week of sitting in the summer heat.
That was the moment when I realized that it was pouring rain…and, I’m wearing a white t-shirt with nothing underneath.
No lie, it was straight out of a porn. Well, not so much a porn, but more like one of those romantic comedies where the woman running around the front yard would look like a hot, sexy porn star…but, she looks more like a ridiculous train wreck that you can’t stop watching more because you can’t believe how un-sexy she has managed to look in a situation that is almost guaranteed to be super sexy. To make it even more perfect, I still couldn’t turn my head at all so I’m running around turning my entire body every time I want to look a different direction. Picture it. You know what I’m talking about.
So, I’m bolting around our front yard in my silky pajama pants, holding the bottoms up off the ground to keep them from getting soaked, white t-shirt now completely transparent…and, I’m freezing which you can imagine exacerbates the whole scene…screaming and yelling to garbage men, “I’M SO SORRY! PLEASE JUST GIVE ME ONE SECOND! I KNOW I LOOK RIDICULOUS! I’M SORRY! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I’M SORRY ABOUT ALL OF THIS! THIS IS HYSTERICAL! I’M SORRY!…”
You would not believe how hard all of us were laughing. Seriously. You wouldn’t believe it.
It was like that level where your neighbors are in their windows videoing the scene to show their spouses and kids after dinner talking about “the Bergeron’s getting after it again”. I know that’s happening tonight.
Anyway, I pull it together…because I’m a lady…and, I go inside. Naturally, Bode has woken up because of the circus show that was going down on the front lawn, and is now in the bathroom. When I get up the stairs and turn the corner into the bathroom, I find Bode peeing not in the toilet but directly next to the toilet in the trash barrel.
Completely shocked, I yell, “BODE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!” He, of course, gets scared and continues to pee holding his thingy like a fire hose spraying pee all over the bathroom…including me.
So, now I am not only soaked from being out in the rain with the garbage men in a white t-shirt, but I’m now soaked in Bode’s piss.
Standing there in the bathroom at 7:06 am, like I had been dragged through the trenches, I stripped down totally naked and made my way to my bedroom to start what I always preach to my kids as, “the best day of my life”.