Let’s play a little game: raise your hand high if you would rather be constipated than have diarrhea.
Now, I’m sitting here next to Ben and read him that last sentence. He paused for wayyyy longer than I can even understand, then settled with just not even replying at all.
After waiting for as long as my patience would even allow me to, I barked at him, “Are you seriously needing to think about which one is worse!?!”
I’m pretty sure his head spun around 360 degrees before he asked me, “Wait, are you implying that there’s a right and a wrong answer to that???” “No, you wait. Are you implying that there isn’t???”
After processing the idea that there are, in fact, different opinions out there that exist in the world…and, that I need to open my mind to accept them…I calmly asked Ben to explain to me why he wasn’t sure which was worse.
I think of the pain that comes along with constipation in the same ballpark as the contractions you get during birth and delivery: full on sweat, stabbing stomach pains that leave you out of breath and gripping for your life onto anything anchored around you, and wanting to break down into tears but you’re concerned with how much of your energy stores that would eat up and you’re already running low. In addition to all of that, you’re bloated so much that, ironically, you look like you’re at least 4 months pregnant.
There is nothing good about being constipated.
Now, diarrhea is a totally different experience. You’re living the day in fear that you’re not going to make it to a bathroom in time, even though you are, literally, stationed less than 3 feet from a bathroom door at all times. Your stomach is unsettled and is projecting more sounds than anything coming from your mouth. And, God forbid you sneeze or someone unexpectedly says something really, really funny.
But, at least with diarrhea you’re not trying to survive the constipation pains. You’re just trying to “manage” the whole situation. And, let’s be honest: you can, essentially, eat anything you want and not gain a pound. It’s sort of like having a temporary super power.
Oh, and I almost forgot the best part being that the prescription for curing diarrhea is the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast). Like, that’s what you’re supposed to eat when you have diarrhea.
So, I ask you again, Ben Bergeron, “Would you rather be constipated or have diarrhea?”
I rest my case.