The Naughty Life

The Constipation Vs. Diarrhea Game

posted by Heather May 1, 2016 2 Comments
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Ben’s green smoothie concoction this morning was on POINT.

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The 1st of every month is Monthly Goals time at The Bergeron’s. If you don’t want in, don’t accept an invitation to dinner at our house anytime around the beginning of the month…because if you’re here, you make goals or you don’t leave. The rules: goals must be non-CrossFit related (nutrition and stretching are ok), they must be S.M.A.R.T. goals (specific, measurable, attainable, relative, and time-bound), you will be graded at the end of the month, and your goals are posted on the Goals board for everyone to see. We strategically invited Katrin and her Dad, who’s in town from London, over for dinner tonight.


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Every now and then, Ben surprises me by making the bed. This is one of his best attempts to date. I always re-make it when he does, but LOVE and fully appreciate the effort made.

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“Hello, I’m Heather, and I am addicted to trimming my bangs. I need help.”

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Ben as a little boy down on the Cape.

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Love at the Natick Library.

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This is Maya about 30 minutes post-swole sesh with Ben. Literally, didn’t move a muscle except for her thumb to scroll through Snapchats and Instagrams for about a half hour on the garage floor. That’s about a 1:1 work-recovery ratio.

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Got to bring Maya to her tournament at Holy Cross today. They played 4 20 minute back-to-back games and won 3 of them 🙂 Maya, of course, was the only one on the entire field wearing nothing under her jersey despite the rain and hail that lasted the entire afternoon in Worcester. I, on the other hand, was in a full-length down jacket, cashmere gloves, my Uggs, under an umbrella, and sitting perched on a thick blanket…and, still managed to think it was cold. She, obviously, didn’t get her “tough” genes from me.

Let’s play a little game: raise your hand high if you would rather be constipated than have diarrhea.

Now, I’m sitting here next to Ben and read him that last sentence.  He paused for wayyyy longer than I can even understand, then settled with just not even replying at all.

After waiting for as long as my patience would even allow me to, I barked at him, “Are you seriously needing to think about which one is worse!?!”

I’m pretty sure his head spun around 360 degrees before he asked me, “Wait, are you implying that there’s a right and a wrong answer to that???”  “No, you wait.  Are you implying that there isn’t???”

After processing the idea that there are, in fact, different opinions out there that exist in the world…and, that I need to open my mind to accept them…I calmly asked Ben to explain to me why he wasn’t sure which was worse.

I think of the pain that comes along with constipation in the same ballpark as the contractions you get during birth and delivery: full on sweat, stabbing stomach pains that leave you out of breath and gripping for your life onto anything anchored around you, and wanting to break down into tears but you’re concerned with how much of your energy stores that would eat up and you’re already running low.  In addition to all of that, you’re bloated so much that, ironically, you look like you’re at least 4 months pregnant.

There is nothing good about being constipated.

Now, diarrhea is a totally different experience.  You’re living the day in fear that you’re not going to make it to a bathroom in time, even though you are, literally, stationed less than 3 feet from a bathroom door at all times.  Your stomach is unsettled and is projecting more sounds than anything coming from your mouth.  And, God forbid you sneeze or someone unexpectedly says something really, really funny.

But, at least with diarrhea you’re not trying to survive the constipation pains. You’re just trying to “manage” the whole situation.  And, let’s be honest: you can, essentially, eat anything you want and not gain a pound.  It’s sort of like having a temporary super power.

Oh, and I almost forgot the best part being that the prescription for curing diarrhea is the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast).  Like, that’s what you’re supposed to eat when you have diarrhea.

So, I ask you again, Ben Bergeron, “Would you rather be constipated or have diarrhea?”

I rest my case.

 

2 Comments

Gina Galiano May 1, 2016 at 11:49 pm

Hysertical…my entire family voted for diarrhea, of course..

Reply
Heather May 2, 2016 at 1:10 am

I asked him one final time just now. His response, “Constipation.” “WHAT!?!” “I mean diarrhea. I don’t know what I mean. I’m CONFUSED!” And, I have finally won a conversation with that man.

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